All the female saints are like…
It’s not about men or women.
Nobody should ever hit anyone.
Nobody should ever rape anyone.
Nobody should ever murder anyone.
Nobody should ever beat anyone.
Nobody should ever threaten anyone.
Nobody should ever insult anyone.
Nobody should ever make anyone uncomfortable.
Nobody should ever touch anyone without their consent.
Nobody should ever steal from anyone.
Nobody should ever humiliate anyone.
Of course it isn’t awkward! This is one of my favorite subjects! lol. :)
No really, it is. I think the thing that makes purity so hard, is that we are taught that it must be an ‘in the dark’ type thing. Don’t talk about it. Don’t think about it. And certainly don’t ‘do it.’
Before I tell you the things that Ryan and I did to keep ourselves pure, let me first address the mentality of purity. I believe purity is a way to keep us forever running toward Jesus and his grace. Sometimes though, we focus on purity before we focus on God’s love and grace for us. You will never, ever stay pure if you focus on being pure. You will only ever stay pure if you focus on Jesus’ crazy, ridiculous, grace for your brokenness.
Ryan and I stayed pure before marriage, and it was the best choice I ever made, but I had to always be careful to stay focused on Jesus’ grace for me…not my purity. Purity was not a rule. (the Bible has a lot to say in the New Testament about rules and laws….they really didn’t do the job well…which is why Jesus’ grace had to step in).
Grace was the rule. Purity was the by product of this grace.
So my number one rule for being pure is this:
1. Know Jesus’ heart. Jesus adores you. He has so much grace for you. Live in that. Out of a heart of grace will come the purity you and your special one will need. By making rules and laws, you will only set yourself up for a heart of resentment toward each other. Why? Because you will never be perfectly pure…even thinking bad thoughts marks you as impure. But if you live in this crazy love that Christ has poured out for you, both of your hearts will have the strength to make it to marriage. (only Jesus’ grace can give this strength.)
So now, once you recognize that purity only comes from living in grace, I will give you some things Ryan and I used to help us stay pure. These things are not rules….they are ways we honored each other’s hearts. If one of us fell or attempted to do something that we shouldn’t, we didn’t beat ourselves up for it. We asked forgiveness and moved on. So don’t get caught up in rules. :)
1. Don’t go anywhere alone. (eek! That’s a hard one isn’t it?) But it’s true. Going alone places breeds temptation. I am going to be super up front and honest, but here is an example:
For 3-4 years of our relationship, my parents were awesome about being Ryan and my accountability partners. They asked us all the time if we were spiritually doing well and they did not allow us to go alone anywhere. But, when I turned 18, I became an adult and they trusted me to make the right decisions. We did. But one day, Ryan moved an hour away to an apartment. Me, being so naiive, told him I’d come visit him. We planned the whole day and it was going to be so exciting!
As soon as I got to his apartment, we started kissing. This quickly escalated into some touchy feely things it should not have. In a moment of reason, we both freaked out and decided we HAD to leave. So we went to Starbucks for 7 HOURS. Yes, that’s right. And every time I visited him, we would stay at that Starbucks for hours and hours. They began to give us funny looks. We then took every pre-caution to be with people/in public on our dates after that. (That lasted until we were married…now we can go everywhere alone! mwahaha ;)
Ryan and I are super trustworthy and responsible people, but the fact remains that we are so attracted to each other. It will naturally be incredibly hard for you to resist a physical urge. So put yourself in good situations. Group date. I used to bring my siblings with me all the time when Ry and I wanted to go to the movies. Don’t ride alone in the car (it’s a misnomer that nothing can happen when you are driving. Don’t even fall for that.) Don’t start talking about things that will escalate your desires. Etc.
2. Be honest. Sex is not a dark, dirty thing. Sex is a beautiful thing that should be kept in the light. Be honest with each other about what you can and cannot do. (Do this in public…or else it will turn into talking dirty…and for heaven’s sake, do not talk about this through texting or on the phone)
For instance, if Ryan kisses my neck….I will pretty much attack him. So Ryan knew that kissing my neck was off limits. Making out, touching each other in certain places, being alone in the dark, speaking about sex, necking, talking to late on the phone, etc. These were all things that we decided we would not do. We were not perfect. But our hearts were right and God blessed us with the ability to keep our bodies pure too.
3. Get accountability partner. I mentioned above that my parents held us accountable. My mom and dad have an amazing sex life, and so they have always been so open about sex with me. I believe that this honest and healthy view of sex has truly helped me to stay pure. Find people (it does not have to be your parents!!) who love you and who you can speak honestly to. They must be willing to ask the hard questions, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
4. Pursue Christ together. Seriously, if you both want to stay pure, worship Jesus together, talk about Jesus together, read about Jesus together. You will fall in love with each other even more when you first fall in love with Jesus. This will give you the vision and the focus and the desire to wait. It was so physically hard to stay pure….but I truly loved Ryan’s heart. I did not want to take something away from him that was not yet mine to take.
5. You will never be perfect. Stop making that the goal. Make a Christ centered relationship the goal. You will never, ever be perfectly pure. That is reserved for Jesus alone. If you have fallen, stop beating yourself up. Ask for forgiveness and move on. Satan would love to get you to wallow in your sin. I honestly think Satan uses purity more often than we think. He works in guilt, and feeling guilt over our lustful thoughts or our sinful actions is easy to stay in. Stop. Jesus died for it. Maybe you’ve had intercourse….maybe you’ve only thought lustful things. Either way, you’re impure. Let Jesus make you pure, not your actions. Pursue Christ together and let his grace permeate you. Only then will you be able to stay the course. (and FYI….if you’ve had sex…..you can still be pure. Abstaining from sex is not a qualification of purity. Jesus is.)
—————————— Thoughts after marriage:
Okay, so those were the things I did before I was married. But now, here are some thoughts coming from a married lady standpoint. Hopefully, this will encourage you.
Sex is so worth waiting for. When we first had sex after our wedding, I cried like a baby. (happy tears). It was the most beautiful, most pure, most spiritual thing I had ever done. Sex is (at least for me) such an emotional experience. Every confident thought and every insecurity is layed bare on the table for the one you love.
To have shared that with someone else would have exposed parts of me that I was never willing to share. Ryan has earned my heart, and I have earned his. He is the only one trustworthy enough to see all of my heart. I promise you. I promise you. I promise you. If you have not had sex, or if you have recommitted your heart to waiting, sex is worth everything. It’s worth the tears and the agony and the years and years of never being physically satisfied.
As a married woman, it is the most physically satisifying thing and the most emotionally beautiful thing. It has the ability to make me feel like the most special, most beautiful, most powerful lady ever made. Save this until you meet the man who has earned the right to bear your heart. Sex is much too powerful to give to anyone else. I literally thank Jesus every single day that somehow, miraculously he gave us the strength to wait six years. (and it was so stinkin worth it. It’s probably the best part of being married! :) )
As mentioned, I believe sex should be an open and honest topic. If you have questions, nothing is off limits. Message me off anon and I would love to share my heart with you.